when life takes an O-turn

Life...takes twists n turns in the form of u-v-w etc....what makes me feel very weird and freak is that 'for me it takes an O-turn very frequently'.
My happiness is not consistent but wat is consistent is confusion about certain things and people are. it's really F.
I just hate it. I'm noticing...these days, on many occasions in my professional life especially while dealing with some critical issues things/situations come back to the starting point even after a detailed and systematic approach. is it fate/ destiny? probably my foot!parents of my students and i often get pissed off, but we mask it 'coz we need to struggle for our kids with perseverance with a smile. But as long as the kids are literally infront of our eyes life is beautiful.
When it comes to personal front..i dont understand how exactly to deal with it. most of the time...(of late) i feel as though i really dont need a personal life. i feel like taking sanyasam and dedicate myself 24*7 for the betterment of my students. Only THEY deserve me.
ppl in my personal front make me feel that neither I nor they deserve each other in our lives, and i dont really find it productive/ even flowering (forget about fruition). i cannot run-away from personal life!!!??? is it? this is actually holy crap.
In my personal life i have hardly 2 friends with whom i can really dare share my happiness. 'coz i dont have to fear that they'll kill my joy. they look forward to listen from me more and more of my happiness. wow! it's a very feel good factor.
but what upsets me is that.. these few friends are miles far away from me. i need to text/mail/ desperately wait for their calls. i'm no position to reach them immediately whenevr i want/ need them. yeah A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED. this Q i chant almost 10times a day at many instances. This doesn't mean that i'm looking for new friends (already f'd up, enuf now). Coming to sorrows/ hardships? It's not really easy to open up to some1 to share the bad/negatives. what iff,  u share ur pains with some1 and that person pokes u back in ur eye n causes more pain? wen in distress it is human tendency to look for a shoulder on whom u can lean ur head n vent out unconditionally. i feel am craving for it. for how long i can mail/msg/call/ long for frns frm abroad/ distant lands? i'm trying to be an independent woman, strong ,bold, courageous, brave and unshaken. but there is something/ someone with strong negative force trying to pull me back n make me feel as a failure.
everytime im growing like a tree and  falling like a seed to fight back. but there is sth that's neither letting me fall nor grow. this what and how i feel off late at many instances.
Life is a bitch when it cames to the starting point after several trials to succeed/ overcome certain difficulties and then try to fool u.
I hate O-turns.

thinkable thoughts n quotable quotes

Few sms's i received from a frnd of mine on frnshp that i keep reading often to wonder how true they are....

a) a frn is 1 who loves u ....not bcoz of what u have, not bcoz of what u have donebut just loves u for what u are.

b) in life u'l realize that der is a purpose 4 every person u meet. some r der2 test u, some will use u, some will teach u and some will bring out the best in u, some may cause u pain but u'll learn to move on. so learn frm d ppl who cant treat u rightenjoy those loved u 2 see ur worth. each 1 is god's design.
(i add to it...some will make beast out of u....)

c) it's difficult to show a truly smiling face 2 d person u hate more . but it's more to difficult to show a truly angry face to the person u love the most....

d) dont miss the one who is ready to miss anything for u

e) dont avoid or miss the person so much who really has true love and affection on u, it'll make u feel bad when u learn that they have learnt to live without u n ur memories.


f) b4 u pray...believe
b4 u criticize....wait
b4 u speak...listen
b4 u spend...earn
b4 u write...think
b4 u quit...try
b4 u die...live

g) forgive what u cannot forget and forget what u cannot forgive...

h) beauty doesn't create love...love creates beauty...break everything for a heart..but never brk a haert for anything.

i) no sound in this world can be more louder than silence. if someone can understand ur silence they can never misunderstand ur words.

j) never hurt or avoid a soul that really loves and likes u upto the core, bcoz if they start leaving u, u'll miss one of the biggest pleasure.

k) when love is unknown to u..u'll know what is happiness. when u know love, u'll know what is pain. when u lose it u'll know what life is.

l) never get too attached to anyone, because attachments leads to expectations and expectations will lead to disappointments.

m) only two persons in the earth will b extremely happy...1 who gets everything in love and the one who doesn't know what love is.

n) the best thing to learn in life is the habit of compromise because it's better to bend a little than to break a loving relationship.

o) if u stand for a reason be prepared to stand alone like a tree. if u fall on the ground, fall like a seed that grows back to fight again.

p) friendship is to forget...love is to forgive
(i add to it...enemy is to remember n revenge....yeah i've seen this some1 doing it to me. gosh! it's so ghostly of 'em. it gave me a thought whethei should give a tit for tat.)

F.R.I.E.N.D.

Last 2 weeks have brought a dramatic and drastic change in my life which was inevitable....just to make me realize the most popular and evergreen saying on FRIENDSHIP.....
1) 'a friened IN NEED is a FRIEND INDEED'.
     it's been practically proven and felt that need very very badly.
     i failed in my life badly to have correct friend! so bitchy! what fate.


Another late eye-opener is....... 'believe in what YOU DO'...
i lately learnt that i shd believe in my students and their parents. becoz i do them...i make them happy. i make them humans....and in return they made me realize that even am a human and not a material. eye openers.
i wanna add to this point sth very imp n precious and sth which is worth sharing.
in few of my earlier posts i mentioned that my students say and take me more as a friend than their teacher. i realized that 'they meant it'. when i was terribly sick and struggling to get well, the parents of my students stood by me, they dint tell me to eat well instead they made me eat well. they dint say take care instead they have taken care of me. till date ie., even after complete recovery they still ensure that am eating in time. what love and effection. when i was in hospital...i told a parent that she was taking care of me like my friend...she told me that for her i'm not like her friend but i'm her friend already. whoa. what practicality. that was the medicine that has cured me. i was craving for a pill of love and tonic of affection. the lonliness disease made me weak and it vanished after realization.
the ones who said they are my frns dint turn up, and the ones who turned up are FRIENDS as if designed n sent by god. they touched my heart.
i have believe in woteva i do till date and even henceforth...both professionally and personally. i did everything with clear consciousness. but the thing is, few results/ consequences were unexpected. they came like weeds in  my beautiful farm of flowers. damn it.

Check my vital signs

........I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up when everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone..........
to tell u, I have never counted the number of times i felt that these lyrics are about me.
How can there be such a co-incidence?huh....unanswered q.
yeah,, am still alive..
all these days i was just with students all around me during the day time. dont ask me about the evenings and night. the above mentioned say it all.
but for the last 5 days, it's not so. I'm amidst of medicines, fruits, 'take-care/ get well soon' calls, love and concern. (yet there are few instances that killed me for falling sick that too weakness. huh...keep them aside.)
on day-1 doc said it's low bp. so i maintained my diet n living habits to bring my bp to normal. even after 3 days same condition continues. i'm pissed off. changed the doc n changed the medication. after 2days, today i feel the same weakness. but second time doc said the bp is normal but the weakness can be due to gastro and asked me to reduce or stop eating spicy food. ahhh! among the readers who know me personally would laugh at it and cal it a 'gone case'. I DO NOT EAT SPICY FOOD at all. :) i understood that the doc is just some1 to be ignored. but am still unable to rule-out the reason behind this extreme weakness. 

however, psychologically i feel better if students are around me. i thought of taking classes from today. but the parents of my students who are sweeter than sugar have asked me to rest and said that they'll bring me food and asked me not to cook. however, i gave them 2 options, if they are so keen to bring me food from 12 kms far then they shd also bring their children for the class or else no student no food. so sweet of them they brought me lunch and breakfast in the first two days and 2 of them took me to doctors on 2 different days. they felt the emergency and responded in time. in a day i get calls from my students all the 3 times just to check if i had food or not. wot else can fill me with joy and happiness. i feel so content about myself and my job. they (students and their parents) are like my friends. when in need, they were with me in-deed.
 
today evening am gonna check with another doc...and i call it my final trial to rule-out the reason behind this f***ingly extreme weakness. symptoms are: blackout, extreme weakness, giddiness, feel as if am gonna faint and sit down on floor, feel as if my nose bleeds but actually it doesn't, headache all over especially more on backside, sometimes wet palm and feet, blackouts while changing position to stand-sit-sleep.
am having adequate sleep, enough fruits and food, ample water for the last 4-5days. even medicines for 2 days. yet there is no improvement. it cannot be sun-stroke for 2 reasons, i haven't been exposed to sun of late and there is no sun in Bangalore, it's been raining. also it's not extreme stress coz i take 2-3 hrs gap in between after lunch. then wtf is it?   
 
i hope from tomorrow i resume my classes and back to normal.
(good news: i wrote the spelling tomorrow without the help of dictionary and spell-check. yeppie i got it. tom/or/row).

infections....

i think my immune system is not working properly. i used to be very strong n always used to feel proud of myself...my health especially. it's not the same. these days am easily getting prone to highly infectious stuff like various habits, musings etc.
the hit list is as follows.
My sis swats always hated cooking and now that she's married she's into a lot of 'cooking with love' (previously cooking with stove :P) for her lovely husband. she's even started a blog on her kitchen experiments. i started admiring how she has changed and out of it came inspiration n even i've started cooking n slowly experimenting. luckily my clinic starts afternoon n hence, i get time to cook leisurely in the mornings, n in the evenings i cook leisurely yet again coz i dont have a television n hence, i have a lot of time. in addition, ive learnt to cook quickly, say in about 40 mins i cook 4 dishes (just for me :P), earlier i used to take solid 2hrs. hehehe...
so this enjoyment while cooking came as an infection to me from my sis.

another strange infection i got is KIRKET...yeah u read it right, it's CRICKET only. this has come to me from my student. to make him study, i tempted him that i'll update him with the score by checking it on the internet, i developed this curiosity to know the score n slowly the intrest. cricket is slowly infecting me as well.

a cousin of my is very good in planning strategically, implementation/ execution, improving the plans/ schemes, business etc. he's steadfast. my friends used to always tell me (few of them have mentioned in slam books as well) that am steadfast and my planning is sooooper. but wen i see my cousin i feel that am nothing  infront of him, and i learn a lot. his speed, planning, dealing, business tactics, etc are infecting me.

there are few other bad habits that have lately started infecting me. shame on me, i knew that they are infecting me yet i kept quiet and enjoyed n then i realized that i did all that just to fool myself. dumb me.

yet another very significant part of this infectious story is that i've started drinking water.....................
(ending this post abruptly for i gottu drink some water... c u in the next post)

clolurs of life

what's your fav colour? do you hate any color? what are positive colors and what are negative colors? what are positive? can we discriminate colors as good and bad as well? if yes then how and why?

these were few questions that went around in my mind on the very day of holi and before and after that. i never shared it with any1, yet i've been observing ppls likings and dislikings towards various colors.i always wonder y black is treated as a negative color by many elders? what mistake/wrong has it done? how can wearing/ carrying a black color to a sacred function/ritual/gathering would effect the happenings? why Hindus prefer Red and Yellow (and some saffron), why Muslims prefer Green and why Christians prefer Whites? How are the influencing ppls minds? Why doctors say green color (earlier) and blue color (now) have curative effects? How are the differences formed?

Once I was observing a child's behaviour and reaction to a particular stimulus, for the same stimulus yet another child responded differently (both have same condition with little variations). Later in the Pychology class I learnt that perceptions vary greatly. and in child psychiatry class I learnt about beliefs.

and now when I recollect above mentioned three instances...what I understand (or rather perceive) is that we believe that colors are different. I think what i perceive a color may be different for others. For example I like pink color and do not like blue color. may be the same color (pink) you see it as blue and think that u like blue and see the other color (blue for me) and think that it's is pink. we both actually like and dislike same colors, name them differently. to simplify it, if we both see a same color and call it commonly as orange (for example) but what we see is different actually..that differences in actual perception causes likings and dislikings. (still sounds complicated, eh??)ok leave it!!

well woteva color be it, i like almost all the colors, and for me i treat all the colors equally, that is no single color can be called as a good/bad. only thing is not all colours suit to all contexts. for me colors are equal to children.some are dark colors and some others are light colors yet all are colors, similarly some children are easy and some are difficult yet all are children. like how few colors look grt in few contexts and some others look horrible but for that we can not cal it as a wrong color. children exel in few ares and find difficult in some other areas and hence for that we can not call them as failures.

when i see ppl discriminating colors which are abstract, i'm afraid, how much discrimination they must be showing towards ppl n children.

there is a close relationship between colors, children and me.......
definitely all are different but treat them equally for what they are n have. accepting is what all that matters.

for me everyday is a holi-day, i play a lot with colors n children. yeah, it's fun.
Hope you had a grt holi on holi day.
c u in the next post! tc!

slapster

I always had this in my mind.
there are various laws and acts for men n women who harass each other for various reasons, n for adults who abuse children. now tell me is there any law/ act against parents who fight/ argue/ quarrel  infront of their own/ other children?
I was discussing the same with few of my friends separately. i got different answers, some said children have to bare it n that  is wot it means as 'survival of the fittest.' kya? kuch race chal rahi hai kya? y shd children bare all this tamasha?

another frn said there shd be a law/ monetary fine. wot fine? they'll pay money n fight again. children actually paying for it. 
y am i so concerned abt this?? i've seen n seeing cases almost everyday of children at risk of/having learning disabilities & / or behavior problems. behavior problems are increasing in an alarming number coz the parents have lost the traditional values n morals. earlier it was a joint family tradition, n ppl used to b around to help solve/ resolve the probs, n for children cousins n sibs to help them cope.
now the scene completely diff. nuclear family n single child. damn it. i highly discourage this.
i understand, it causes inconvenience and loss of privacy in case of joint families. but studies n my personal experiences show that there are more number of cases recorded of children from nuclear families, having probs n difficulties in learning n behaviors.

i tell u, those who can adjust to a joint family culture are the once we've to call 'survival of the fittest'. A student of mine comes from a joint family, his IQ was 52 when I've started working with him. his family is made of 16 ppl including children. if he's from a nuclear family , his IQ wud have been somewer near 40. I truly appreciate the co-operation that i get from his family members. They are agriculturalists and are very very well off family. his parents are down to earth. they discuss among themselves and with other members of their joint family, to take any kind of decision about that child. this child hence likes his home more than school.

in another cases a gal and 2 boys (all my students) like to be in school as they are scared to go back home especially wen their dad comes back home 'coz the drama time begins.
I thought of asking the children 'wot do u want to do to ur  parents wen they fight/ quarrel infront of u'....but then i thought i'll be adding to their frustration n giving them a hint of having revengeful attitude. so i dint do dat. next time wen i sit for counseling, i'll ask the parents only. damn it. such parents suck with their high headed attitudes n ego. their children r worst victims.

i learnt even from few of my frns that even they had a bad childhood coz of their parents who always fought infront of them, n they felt like running away from home. some told that they used to brk things, some used to  lock themselves in the bathroom, some used to smoke n drink, some came back home late in the night just to sleep. what are all these??? various probs in behaviors! who suffered? only answer: children. who had fun? only answer : parents!..coz they fought n later to console each other they do romance and other shitty *ex life. for them aaal izzz wellll after that, till next fight. some nuts even get divorced- worsening the condition of the child. Such parents F**k each other physically and the child mentally.

i think ppl with high headed attitudes and ego shdn't get married. wanna have fun? go on a date/ have a safe sex life. marriage is not the solution/ ultimate destination. such ppl get married which according to me is not a productive but a reproductive idea, and consequently they fight and argue. their elders suggest them to have kids and start family so that things n issues wil get settled. it's a myth. things will get worsened if ppl are not mature enough to understand the fact that wen they cant solve their issues by themselves, how can a new born child do it for them? of course care n concern, love n affection for the child will be there initially, but they take the child for granted after sometime and that so called love- care- concern etc etc will be gradually fade out. the reality show begins again. sadly it begins wen the child reaches to 1-5 grades which is a crucial stages of learning. hence such situations at home truly contribute in learning but bad behaviors.

if i were given a chance I don't waste time in creating any law/ giving suggestion/counseling parents. just give a chance/ superpower to the child to slap n bash his/her parents off n spit on their bloody faces. nothing wrong i believe.