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it's been a long time i haven't blogged. not that i was busy/ dint feel like writing, it's just laziness. i was really free n jobless for the past 1 month. i dint write secondly coz i was angry and upset with 2 persons and i was afraid if my anger reflects in my words and hurts/ disturbs the readers. i feel like slapping them in public, scolding, bashing and bullying them. sue them. dey're continuously pissing me off. am completely disturbed.
a friend (assuming so) of mine asked me why i have chosen this field (special education) as career..my profession. the same question has been asked to me by several people and i gave smile in reply. not that i dont have a clear answer but i dont want to give any damn scope to unwanted arguments/ make things controversial by answering. i have chosen this field for many important reasons. i'd have chosen human genetics/ call centre/ IT/ some other job, but i dint do dat becoz anybody can do these jobs. though less fetching and highly challenging, special education field is very important for me and hence, i've chosen it for various other reasons.
lately i've been labeled by a very close person (naam ke vaaste close. in reality we are very far from each other mentally, personality wise and so on) that i dont have good relations, i quarrel alot, i fight and so on. these kind of words have almost killed the child (i)n me ( for passing completely irrelevant yet very harsh statements). i really felt like dying, but dint coz i dont want to kill the joy ppl around me were having at that moment. how cud n why shd some1 who has known me for ages label me like dat? where is the mistake? am i really like that? those words are badly echoing in my ears and disturbing me day n night.
as person n a spl educator i give completely pleasant environment and stimulus to my students. it is very important. at the age of 24 wen a child (i)n me gets so badly disturbed, why not the kids in reality get disturbed wen some1 labels/ play pranks/ tease/ scold/ bash them publicly/privately. these kind of things make a very bad impact on the behaviors of the kids. not having a single clue on how to vent out that frustration/ agony children will get into behaviour problems. again ppl will label them, poke them, tease them for their own evil, psychic and mental satisfaction and ultimately children are worst victims.
i only wish that something happens and the nuclei of the human sperm and the ova fuse no more in the world in order to prevent the children from getting bad experiences, though practically impossible, the only ideal solution i c. either the whole world or my world shd come to an end. i cant stand this any more.
these days, i havent been talking/ sharing much with my friends. though i'm hangout very frequently i havent been sharing much becoz i'm completely scared. i'm feeling as if i'm retarding. i cant take labels, harsh statements. in order to avoid such humiliating situations, i find it better to withdraw myself, keep my mouth zipped all the time. am so scared that even a single moment of mine will make people find some fault in it and point out some or the other mistake. am i completely wrong (holistically)? and hence, am now feeling that speech, vision, intellect, mobility are no more gifts. i'm feeling so unlucky for not being born as a person with intellectual disability with associated condition of speech-vision-hearing impairments. am so unlucky. there are more unpleasant stimulus and experiences than pleasant ones. my life is not being positively reinforced, more over am feeling like punished.
when i see my facebook wall, orkut status updates, blogs of my friends...i feel as if almost everyone is pissed off with life and we all are sailing in a same boat. but u see each of us has different problems and so am so very lonely here. am happy atleast am alone here.
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I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
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